the smiths: family.friends.adventures.thoughts.love: 2014

As my daughter is growing up, the preschool years begin to wind down and the school age years are fast approaching. I find myself processing so much, and my role as parent is yet again shifting, if even subtly.

I have known since the day she was born that my role as her mother was significant. In the beginning, she needed me...literally to survive. Navigating the first time mothering waters of breastfeeding, diapers, baths, trips to the pediatricians office, and endless battles for sleep, I knew she needed me. Of course she did, she was an infant. Me being the type A person that I am, we operated on schedules and routines. Things were, for the most part, in my "control." I made the routine, the rules, the decisions. And she complied. Of course things came up that threw us off. Sleeping issues. Reflux. Recurring ear infections. Her adamant stance not to take a bottle. But usually, despite what external obstacles came our way, I was able to navigate back to a semblance of "control."

Then the toddler years came and I watched my little girl's will begin to sprout legs of its own. She formed her own opinions and she made them known. I distinctly remember one day in January just after she turned 2 when I first noticed my loss of "control." It was cold; my sister was in town visiting. We went to the park and when it was time to leave, my daughter simply would not. There was no coaxing or redirecting to be had. I eventually had to carry her away, literally kicking and screaming. I was 6 months pregnant with my second at the time, and I was tired, uncomfortable, and beyond frustrated. I remember being surprised at the sudden force of will of this small person, who, for the most part up until now, did what I said. (Oh, how I laugh at my naive self looking back)! That day stands out as a turning point in my mind. From then on, whether about going to bed, staying in bed, what she would wear, or what she would do, my daughter had her OWN ideas about things, and she made them known. She was a bottomless pit of both sweet and spice. She gained a way of negotiating with adults (and often winning) as a 2 year old. She was suddenly "a strong willed child".

Through those toddler years, parenting became less about routine, schedules, feeding, diapering. More about sticker charts, happy and sad choices, and trying out various forms of discipline/positive reinforcement. We are the parents and you are the child. You will do as we say. Because. And yet, we began to see an emerging personality. Smart. Silly. Joyful. Talkative. Bold. Expressive. Energetic. Curious. Two turned into Three turned into Four. The days were full of so much joy, and many challenges too. Nothing could prepare me for the love I had for this girl. I marveled at the amazing, beautiful, knit-by-God person who was my own. And yet I began to see she was in fact, NOT my own. She was made, at least in many ways, so differently than me. While I am reserved and hyper self-reflective, my daughter has never met a stranger, and is unscathed by what others think. While I am often indecisive and unsure, my daughter makes up her mind and nothing pulls her from it. While I am introverted and need lots of alone time to recharge and regroup, she asks me daily "where are we going now," "who are we going to see next?" "and then what are we going to do after that?"

I was surprised by these differences and often struggled to reconcile them. One of the prayers I have prayed over and over in the past few years is: Lord, help me parent her well. Help me shape her strong will and personality into great things and yet please help me not stifle the personality you have given her.

When she was four years old, I took my daughter to the American Girl doll store. It was a big deal for us. These dolls are ridiculously expensive, but we went for a special occasion and a special reason. This would be her ONE AG doll for her life (unless she wants to save her money and buy herself another one when she is older!) so it was really important to me that she pick a good one. If you have never been, the store sells "look like me" dolls - you can match your doll to look like you. So of course after looking around the store briefly, I steered our daughter to the medium length brown hair brown eyes doll. And it was at this moment that her eyes narrowed in on the long blonde hair, blue eyed doll. "Why would you want that doll when you can get this one that looks just like you?" I asked her. "She is beautiful, just like you!" My intentions were good. I wanted to teach her this important lesson. But she would have none of it. None. Finally, after an hour of me trying every way I could to convince her to do things my way, I acquiesced. I realized it wasn't that she thought the doll that looked like her wasn't pretty. She just thought the long haired one was prettier. And in a way, I got it. Her long, silky hair did look more fun to play with. I realized this was going to be her decision, even if I didn't like it. And I had to let her make it. Don't get me wrong, she had made plenty of her own decisions prior to this one, but this was the first big (or expensive) one that went against my own will. I know it was only the first of many. And I know the scale gets much, much bigger than dolls.

My daughter is now five, and the issues we face are less about behavior and more about the heart. She is no longer a tiny person with a big personality and a big will. She is now a small person with an enormous heart and a head full of thoughts and questions. (And still a big personality and a big will). We are now talking about issues like: why did Jesus have to die on the cross, why is Pop Pop in a wheelchair, how do you think it makes your friend feel when you leave her out, this is what it means to be a leader, this is why it's not the best idea to kiss a boy on the playground, this is why there are hungry kids and what we can do to help them, etc.

My "control" is decreasing by.the.day. As kindergarten approaches, I will not only be with her much less, but I can no longer filter what she sees/hears/is exposed to. Just as I can't filter what she does/says/exposes others to. To be honest, it is terrifying. Kind of like a band aid being slowly pulled off and then in the culmination of kindergarten just ripped the rest of the way. And just like that, she will be gone, off into the big, wide world of elementary school with an entire life stage put away and behind us forever.

And in this transition, as the issues get bigger, parenting gets so much harder. I find myself often struggling for the right words. The right way to explain things. If only I could word it just right so it would click inside her brain. How strict should I be? Am I too strict? Not strict enough? Am I making big issues out of little things? Am I making a little issue out of big things? What if these things aren't addressed now and then they become real problems later?

My job feels so significant. THIS IS A PERSON. An amazing person who has the potential of really, really big things in her life. And we don't get a do-over. We have 13 years left with her living in our house (Lord willing) and that is it. We put so much into parenting well and teaching good values and truth, but some days it honestly feels like a crap shoot. Some days I feel like I did ok but MANY days I feel like I just plain stunk. There is so much less certainty and control, and so much more questioning and praying, asking God to help me. And I know this is just small potatoes compared to things coming for us one day soon!

The other day, I made a big parenting mistake. It basically involved me not trusting my daughter and assuming the worst in her, and then disciplining her for something she didn't do. She was so upset and so confused. She was unable to verbalize what really happened because I was pressuring her another way. And yet in her unwavering will, she refused to back down. When I later found out the truth, my heart shattered into a million pieces. I cried and hugged her and asked her to forgive me. (Even as I type this, I am crying remembering this). She in her big, tender heart, did so immediately. She wiped the tears off my face and hugged me and asked me for a snack.

I learned such a big lesson that day. I know it's important to teach and discipline our kids. And for a strong willed child, that may be more necessary and certainly more difficult. But at the end of the day, I would rather err on the side of grace and love. This is how my parents parented me. And more importantly, this is how my Heavenly Father parents me. He doles out a whopping, enormous, scandalous, amount of grace. He calls me His own, even though I am undeserving.

Today I learned that the word "Hosana" in the Old Testament meant a cry out: "Help! Save me!" But in the New Testament, it is used more as "Help! Jesus you are my help!" It is a cry filled with confidence, not with fear. Because Jesus did come, and made a way. Not just for big things like salvation, but for help in the mundane, the daily, the issues. For help in parenting my strong willed little girl.

When God gave us our two beautiful children it is as if he opened the floodgates of Heaven and poured out his blessing over us. Many days I am simply overcome with how much my heart loves these two. And as the parenting gig continues to change and bit by bit I am forced to let go of my "control," I am standing in confidence and hope that He will cover my mistakes, guide me in the unknown, and love my children infinitely and perfectly in a way that I cannot.

Our family took a trip to Grand Cayman last week. It was definitely one of the best vacations I have ever been on. We went back to the place where Ellen and Miguel got married two years ago. Our condo was right on the beach and we had the best time relaxing and being together with very little agenda. My parents were so very generous to help us make this happen. We came back to freezing (literally) weather in Texas and between that and missing my family I just wish we could be right back there. Be forewarned: there are so many! I had fun playing with my nice camera and wanted to capture as many memories as I could with our kids at this age. Pretty sure it will be awhile before we are back the beach!

Making sand angels

The lovebirds. I am so happy they got married here and helped us discover this amazing Island! It is such a great place to go on vacation!

We nicknamed Miguel the "baby ocean whisperer" because he had a knack for getting our kids into the water. They preferred to be at the pool due to some rocks, shells, and a jelly fish encounter, but he had mad skills at coaxing them in.

I just love his hand on her leg.

Lollipops make great bribes for photos. :)

Matt going for a swim. We did a lot of snorkeling right off the beach. Gorgeous fish, coral and stingrays!

My cuties!

Gray carried his Lightning McQueen swim toys around for most of the week.

Iguanas were kind of a theme, which is ironic because there is a book called Me Too Iguana at my parents' house in Houston that Gray requests to read on repeat.

This picture makes me melt a little. :)

Fun day at the Turtle Farm

Gray got a little pouty. Matt tried to match his face, which only served to make G poutier.

Holding the baby turtles. Turtles are so cool, y'all! They kind of remind me of Elephants, which I know is weird, but they have the same leathery skin.

Ice cream break.

Matt and I drove the coast of the island one day when we were trying to extend the kids' naps. We saw this sign which Matt thought was hilarious. I thought it was kinda sweet.

Miguel and Ellen treated us all to a Sunset sail which was so fun. Miguel was making an attempt to look nautical here. :)

I was so spoiled to spend a week with my sister. We never get to spend more than about 2 crazy days together.

Dancing before the sail

A wee bit windy

Enjoying the view

All of us

My beautiful parents. I love this picture of them.

Spoiled, spoiled children.

Dinner at the Grand Old House, where the wedding was 2 years ago!

Watching the sunrise in PJ's with Nona and Dave

String Ray City. I had high hopes for Saylor this year. (Last time she wouldn't even get off the boat). This time things started off well, until one of them made a bee line for me and the squid I was holding. It ~~freaked me out~~ startled me a little, and I may or may not have screamed. At which point Saylor became just done with it. This is as close as she would get.