Fear

This past weekend, Matt and I had a conversation with some good friends about recent break-ins in our neighborhood area. They told us about a friend of theirs getting held up at gun point in a McDonald's parking lot around the corner from our house, and being forced to drive the gunman back to his home so the guy could rob him. Thankfully, their friend was ok physically, but of course he is still dealing with the major psychological trauma of being terrorized like that.

You see, we live in a great neighborhood, but the immediate surrounding areas have their fair share of crime. Obviously, this is what happens when you live in a major metropolitan area, rather than the suburbs. I am ok with that, most of the time. I like the city. I like diversity. I like the idea of raising my kids where not everyone looks exactly the same and where not all the houses look exactly the same.

But stories like this put in me a nice big chunk of fear. Ever since, I can't stop thinking about what could happen to me, my husband, or my daughter. I play out these horrible scenarios in my mind: someone coming down the hall with a gun while we are asleep, approaching me in the grocery store parking lot while I'm getting Saylor out of the car, approaching Matt while he's filling the car up with gas, etc. The list goes on.

The thing is, this is not the only thing I can get fearful about.

What if my daughter develops cancer?

What if someone just takes her one day while we are out shopping?

What if my husband is is a terrible car accident?

What if he randomly has an aneurysm in his 30's, or develops a brain tumor later in life, like his dad did?

What if we loose this baby?

What if he is born with a disorder or syndrome, or what if he is perfectly healthy but there is some trauma during birth and he is left anoxic and brain injured because of it?

What if my parents have a heart attack or some sudden life-threatening disease, and I can't tell them goodbye and how much I love them?

What if my sister, who lives alone, gets robbed or hurt or victimized?

What if my husband looses his job and we have no health insurance?

Again, the list goes on.

I am not crazy. It's not like I'm sitting around paralyzed from fear, unable to go about my daily life. I really am still a happy, normally functioning person carrying on about her day. But, sometimes a thought will hit me, and then I'll get stuck on it for a bit, just letting it sit there and weigh on me, at least until I am distracted with the next task or activity.

The thing is, these things are all around us. They are on TV and in the movie I watched last week. They are happening right now, in real life, to people I know, or patients I see at the hospital, or people who's blog's I read and follow, or to my own friends and family. And as we all know, inevitably, we will all face some sort of suffering at some point in our lives. It takes on different shapes and forms, but no one really gets away unscathed. Maybe it's not physical sickness or criminal trauma, but maybe it's financial or marital or whatever. Life bangs you up. And this is an understatement for some.

So I am prone to worry, which is really just fear at it's root. This is the genetic make up of my brain. It takes many forms...you could say I have a track record. I spent a year in elementary school unable to fall asleep at night because I was worried about a particular friend situation at school (kids can be mean)! I spent a good portion of my senior year of college terrified that I would not have a job lined up by the time I graduated. (PULEASE! There are SUCH better things to be spending your time doing in college)! Of course, looking back, I realize how incredibly ridiculous these worries were. Now that I am an adult, a wife, a mom, my worries just take on the more serious nature of list list mentioned above. And one day, I will look back and know these worries too, are unnecessary.

It probably doesn't help that in my job I work with people whose lives are rocked by awful tragedies every day. On the other hand, it probably is why I enjoy it, why I am good at it. It is also probably why God put me with a man who could not be less fearful about things...we balance each other out. :)

So I know this about myself.

And as I know I am prone to this fear, I also know there is One who is beyond all of it. Despite the tragedies and the suffering, I know that God is good, that He sees it all and knows it all. That though we are not immune to it, He sustains us. That He loves us. He protects us. He is with us through it and has already claimed victory over it.

Sometimes I wonder if all the fear of it could be worse than actually it itself. Because I know He will be with me. And I believe enduring it will draw me more near to Him, which in the end, when my mind quiets down, I truly do find great comfort and hope in. And I believe when it is over, I will be ok. My family will be ok. The ones I love and the ones I don't know but hear about and hurt for will be ok. That this is what it means when it says "all things will be reconciled."

So I am settling my mind on these truths. I am claiming my faith now, rather than waiting for it in some time of tragedy that hits me. I am setting my mind not on the flesh, which brings death, but on the Spirit, which brings life and peace. (romans 8).

Like many things, it's a lesson I must re-learn again and again. But thankfully, there is progress! Slowly but surely, I can see the grip of fear loosening it's ugly hold on me.

For because He has come: You have been set free from sin (fear) and have become slaves to righteousness (peace). (Romans 6).

To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

They answered him, “We are Abraham’s descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?”

Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. (John 8).